The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
