You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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