Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
