if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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