If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
