y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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