finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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