I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
