Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
