Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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