On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
