I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
