As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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