Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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