sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
