I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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