I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
