I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
