i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
