it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
