Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
