you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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