My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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