Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
