you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
