i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
