if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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