just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
