then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
