I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
