this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
