Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
