Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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