why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
