I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
