Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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