I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
