I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The uberlube is also flammable
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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