Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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