OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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