I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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