Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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