i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
