Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
