Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Randomize
