Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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