I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
