Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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