I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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