I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
