He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
