i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
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Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
dude. I can hear the air.
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