the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
