He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
