What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
