Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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