the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
