i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
