i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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