I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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