but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
