haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
